In a matter of hours I went from “daddy’s little girl” to “daddy’s little caretaker”. When I got the call he was lost, I knew.

Did he know?

Immediately I went back in time to the first time my grandfather left the house and got lost. I remember the fear I heard in my dad’s voice and the fear I saw in his eyes. I wonder now if he knew, did my dad know what was happening to his dad? This thought always brings me to tears because then I wonder if my dad knew. Did he know when it started to happen to him?

It is this horrible, awful disease my daddy suffers from, something I would take away at any cost. This horrible disease has changed me, made me stronger, taught me to lean on my people.

Typing those words, did he know is as painful as saying them out loud. In those first 48 hours or so, I tried to believe it was anything but what I knew. In those first 48 hours, I went from scared little girl and quickly turned into the strong woman he needed me to be. My thought went back to all of the scraped knees my dad had cleaned, the contacts we dug out of the pipes, and the days he was just there when I needed him.

My dad, Mr. Independent, has leaned on his wife for many years. She suffered through so much of the decline alone, protected him, and took care of him – even when it meant holding a flashlight at 2 in the morning. He leaned on her to stand strong. I am proud he is teaching me it is ok to depend on people you love. I never had to wonder, I never had to worry or overthink if it was time to seek help. When I got the call I knew, I knew it was time.

“Leaning on others is a beautiful act of self – compassion” – Sally clarke

It took a while to get that dreaded diagnosis, no one wants to use the word because no one wants to hear the terrible word: dementia. How did a diagnosis so terrible change me? I try to do it all on my own but, my dad still has a few more lessons to teach me. Leaning on others is not a weakness. I couldn’t clean my own scraped knees. I have learned to let go and lean in on the support God has provided in so many different people.

My daddy may have put his shoes on the wrong feet today but, he is still teaching me everyday.